i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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