Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
