I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
