i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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