Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
