You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Randomize
