I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize