i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
