A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize