Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
