I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
