Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
