I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You took a bar mat shot.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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