I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
