Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
