cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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