i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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