I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
