I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
