Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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