i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
