youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
