This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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