those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Less talking, more tequila
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
