woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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