so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
