I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
