So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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