I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
