I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I could fuck to npr.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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