I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
