So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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