my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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