New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
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