I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dignity is for republicans.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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