Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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