I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
