Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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