I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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