Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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