Your mouth is God's brothel.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
