Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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