I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
