They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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