Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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