I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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