I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize