i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
