I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
