I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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