my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
