she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
