my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
