i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
