Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
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