Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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