I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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