I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
