Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
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