Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
