it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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