just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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