So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
