when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
