this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
