I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
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