Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
