My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
