You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
