I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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