Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
After last night, I could never be a politician.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
