eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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