So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
