Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize